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A newspaper photographer in Los Angeles was called in by his editor and told a
fire was raging out of control in Palos Verdes, a hilly area south of L.A. The
editor told him to board a waiting plane at a nearby airport and get some pictures
for the evening edition. The reporter raced off to his assignment and found the
plane just as his boss had described. He jumped into the plane and yelled, "Let's
go." When they approached the raging fire, the reporter pulled out his camera
and told the guy behind the controls to swoop down near the flames so he could
get some good pictures. The man looked surprised and asked, "Why?" Rather
perturbed at this inquiry the reporter snapped back, "Because I'm a newspaper
photographer and photographers take pictures." After a few moments of deft
silence his cockpit companion stuttered, "You-u-u mean you're not the flight


During a late evening jog, a man took a shortcut to his house through a large
cemetery. In the darkness of the night he did not see a freshly dug grave, and
fell into it. For the better part of the next hour he struggled to climb out. He tried
every conceivable maneuver but just couldn't escape. Finally, he resigned
himself to curling up in the corner and waiting for morning. Within the next thirty
minutes another late-night jogger suffered the same fate and fell into the same
grave. He tried to quickly climb out but fell down on his first attempt. The first
jogger then put his hand on the shoulder of the other man and said, "You can't
get out." But he did!


Comedian George Carlin has come up with an updated illustration for
self-righteousness. He inquires, "Do you ever notice that when you're driving,
anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is
a maniac?"


A Texas rancher met up with a Wisconsin dairy farmer. The two men began
talking about their land and the milkman told the cattleman that he operated his
business on 125 acres. The Texan scoffed at such a small parcel of land. He
said, "Yankee, that ain't nothin'. On my ranch I can get in my truck at sunrise and
I won't reach the fence line of my property until sunset." The dairy farmer
snorted, "Yeah, I used to have a truck like that."


A little boy was traveling with his mother over the holidays. As they approached
the airline ticket counter the little guy informed the agent that he was two years
old. Suspiciously, the agent looked down at the boy and asked, "Do you know
what happens to little boys who lie?" The young traveler smiled, "Yep, they get
to fly for half price!"


During his first day in school, a little boy was caught saying an inappropriate
word. The teacher quickly scolded him and asked where he had heard such a
word. The little boy said, "My daddy says it all the time." "Well, that doesn't
matter. You shouldn't being using that word. Besides, you don't even know what
it means," said the reprimanding teacher. "I do so," said the little boy. "It means
the car won't start."


A bricklayer had an accident on a construction site and had to file a detailed
report for his insurance company. This is what he wrote: "I'm a bricklayer by
trade, and on the date of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new
six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had a sizable
pile of bricks left over, and rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided
to lower them in a barrel using a pulley that was attached to the edge of the roof
on one side of the building. After securing the rope at ground level, I went back
up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into the barrel. I then
went to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure slow descent
of the bricks. You will notice I stated in block number 2 of the accident report
form that I weigh 150 pounds. The bricks, I was soon to discover, weighed
slightly more than 500 pounds. My weight was not enough to keep me down.
Because of my surprise at being jerked off the ground by the weight of the
bricks, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I proceeded up the side of the building at a rather rapid rate of speed. In the
vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel on its way up. This accounts for my
broken ankle and lacerations along the left side of my body. This encounter with
the barrel slowed me down enough to minimize my injuries when I landed on the
pile of bricks on the ground. I'm sorry to report that as I laid on my back looking
at the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind and
let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more than the rope, so it came
zooming back down. This explains my broken right arm."


A businessman was scheduled for a very important meeting that required him to
take a late-night train to his destination. Knowing he would most certainly be
asleep when the train came to his stop, he spoke with one of the attendants and
requested his help. He said, "I have the most important meeting of my life in the
morning, and I cannot afford to miss it. When the train pulls into Chattanooga at
2:00 a.m. wake me up and help me off the train. I will be grumpy and beg for
sleep, but do whatever it takes to get me off this train." The next morning when
the man awoke he was still on the train and had missed his stop. Livid, he raged
all over the porter who was supposed to have assisted him off the train. When
the irate passenger stormed away, a passenger who had witnessed this tirade
commented, "In all my life I have never seen anybody get so upset." The porter
replied, "That's nothin,' you should have seen the guy I threw off the train at 2:00
a.m. in Chattanooga."

                      ~ We must polish the Polish furniture.

                     ~ He could lead if he would get the lead out.

                     ~ The farm was used to produce produce.

                     ~ The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

                    ~ The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

                    ~ This was a good time to present the present.

                    ~ A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

                    ~ When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

                    ~ I did not object to the object.

                    ~ The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

                    ~ The bandage was wound around the wound.

                    ~ There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

                    ~ They were too close to the door to close it.

                    ~ The buck does funny things when the does are present.

                    ~ They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

                    ~ To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

                    ~ The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

                    ~ After a number of injections my jaw got number.

                    ~ Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

                    ~ I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

                    ~ How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
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